She's been talking to me. Not out loud but in my mind Brooke has been talking to me. Going on and on too. The first time I was in the bathroom and I felt her wanting to say something. She hadn't yet, but I could feel it. You ever feel like that.
Me: What?
B: You scared of me?
Me: No I'm not scared.
B: That's what you wrote. You wrote that you were scared of my ghost.
Me: I'm not scared scared. I mean, I don't want to see you or hear you out loud or really dream about you or anything like that. And when I don't want to hear you in my head then I want you to go away.
B: So those are the rules?
Me: For now yes. And I don't want to feel you. And if I feel like you're driving me crazy then you gotta go away forever.
B: Tell my story ok?
Me: How did you die?
B: Not now.
Me: That's your story though. How you died? Where are you? Are you stuck here? Did you see a light and just didn't go into it because you have to find out how you died and you found out and now you want me to tell people how you died?
B: That's not it. I won't work like that.
Me: We're not working. You paying me for this? How did you find out about me anyway? Why me?
B: You write about dead children a lot, why?
Me: How did you know about that?
B: I know a lot of things. I don't know how I know them. This world is different. It doesn't have to be that much different but it is.
Me: What do you mean "it doesn't have to be that much different?"
B: Well, now when I need something I know that if I really need it then it will show up and it does everytime. It's like, remember in The Matrix when the lady needed to know how to ride a motocycle and then it all came to her. Or was it the man riding the bike? But you know what I mean right? Well, it's like that.
You can do that too. You don't know it. But you can.
Me: How do you know about The Martix? You died in the eigth grade.
B: I told you. I know a lot of things.
Me: Are you going to tell me how you died?
B: Stop saying died.
Me: I don't know why I keep saying that. I don't usually. Usually I say passed away or something like that.
B: I haven't passed anywhere. I'm right here.
Me: Yeah but you different. You know that.
B: I know you have to get ready but I got it, you don't want to see me, feel me, hear me out loud.
Me: And don't drive me crazy.
B: And don't drive you crazy. And you'll tell my story. I have my own pace. Don't drive me crazy.
Me: And don't drive you crazy.
Monday, February 27, 2012
The what the why
Teenagers shot and killed in Wilmington, CA
A ten year old killed in a fight
What?
A fight about what
Shot and killed for what
And while the what is relevant
What difference is the what
Because our babies are dead
For nothing
Mothers and fathers
Friends and families
Are grieving and wailing
Stuck tears and stained tissues
For what
Because somebody said...
Somebody had to prove...
Because nobody walked away
Because we weren't there
A ten year old killed in a fight
What?
A fight about what
Shot and killed for what
And while the what is relevant
What difference is the what
Because our babies are dead
For nothing
Mothers and fathers
Friends and families
Are grieving and wailing
Stuck tears and stained tissues
For what
Because somebody said...
Somebody had to prove...
Because nobody walked away
Because we weren't there
The today
We were at Rochelle's
Sisterfriends sharing stories about our hoods
Because everybody's got a story about theirs
We are all storytellers
Little girl around the corner from Blue
Named Melody can sing better thank Lauren Hill
Since she was three
Tara's neighbor's cousin had twins named
Remi and Martin who grew up to be
Drug and alcohol rehab counselors
They say Remi had a girl she named Moet
But I don't believe that
We just can't let a story be good enough
You know
But Michelle
Michelle was too quiet
She aint never quiet
Rocky
The woman upstairs from her
Had a ten year old boy who played basketball
Around the block
Comin' home about to jog up the steps to her house
Somebody shot him
We've all heard stories about kids
Shot on the way home
Mothers crying
Daddies falling to their knees
This time
With Michelle
We got quiet with her
Took a moment to breathe
To be that boy's mother
What it was like to fill a red bucket
With pinesol with ammonia with Ajax with bleach
Scrub the cement walk with brush and tears
While others walk by
Like this common
Like this is her duty
This is no mother's duty
We breathed in the fumes
Halfway hoping that they might kill us too
This is the rainbow Ntozake called enuf
Too many colors
And we go from red to blue to green
Back to black and red so fast
We can't keep track
Of our bills
Of our lives
It is everything to put on lipstick
Skirt and shoes
Stockings are a joke a memory a luxury
There are no songs to hum as we scrub
We take turns
Scrubbing our stories
About life
About when we used to laugh
How we used to love
We hold each other
Because our collective energy might just
Make up almost enough for
The next woman to breathe and make it till morning
We will get her through tomorrow
Tomorrow
Today we keep scrubbing
We keep making up songs to sing
About mornings yet to come
Sisterfriends sharing stories about our hoods
Because everybody's got a story about theirs
We are all storytellers
Little girl around the corner from Blue
Named Melody can sing better thank Lauren Hill
Since she was three
Tara's neighbor's cousin had twins named
Remi and Martin who grew up to be
Drug and alcohol rehab counselors
They say Remi had a girl she named Moet
But I don't believe that
We just can't let a story be good enough
You know
But Michelle
Michelle was too quiet
She aint never quiet
Rocky
The woman upstairs from her
Had a ten year old boy who played basketball
Around the block
Comin' home about to jog up the steps to her house
Somebody shot him
We've all heard stories about kids
Shot on the way home
Mothers crying
Daddies falling to their knees
This time
With Michelle
We got quiet with her
Took a moment to breathe
To be that boy's mother
What it was like to fill a red bucket
With pinesol with ammonia with Ajax with bleach
Scrub the cement walk with brush and tears
While others walk by
Like this common
Like this is her duty
This is no mother's duty
We breathed in the fumes
Halfway hoping that they might kill us too
This is the rainbow Ntozake called enuf
Too many colors
And we go from red to blue to green
Back to black and red so fast
We can't keep track
Of our bills
Of our lives
It is everything to put on lipstick
Skirt and shoes
Stockings are a joke a memory a luxury
There are no songs to hum as we scrub
We take turns
Scrubbing our stories
About life
About when we used to laugh
How we used to love
We hold each other
Because our collective energy might just
Make up almost enough for
The next woman to breathe and make it till morning
We will get her through tomorrow
Tomorrow
Today we keep scrubbing
We keep making up songs to sing
About mornings yet to come
Saturday, February 25, 2012
THE NIKEL chapter 26
Amad was at the bank teller's window. The teller asked him to have a seat for a moment. Meanwhile in the parking lot, Malik was talking to the security guard he knew. The teller made a phone call and Amad looked at his watch. He saw a couple that seemed to be very much in love. They were in the bank line hugging and kissing. The woman was pregnant and the man held their son's hand. The young boy looked to be about Jewel's age. Amad imagined that they were him and Obrey and that Obrey was pregnant.
Just outside, the police quietly raced down the street. Amad didn't see the guard coming toward him. When he did see the officers Amad tried to leave unnoticed but they grabbed him. He was escorted in handcuffs out of the bank. As the police put him in the back of the police car he saw Malik drive off.
Just outside, the police quietly raced down the street. Amad didn't see the guard coming toward him. When he did see the officers Amad tried to leave unnoticed but they grabbed him. He was escorted in handcuffs out of the bank. As the police put him in the back of the police car he saw Malik drive off.
Friday, February 24, 2012
THE NIKEL chapter 25
Before the cruise, Obrey and Life went for a walk in Kenneth Hahn Park. "You called me. Are we here for the exercise?" Life asked sarcastically.
"We broke up."
"Figured that. What happened?"
"I was as honest with him as I could be about everything. Not just about us, our probelms started long before us. I told him I wasn't ready to get married. That even if I was, I don't think it would be to him. There's just no real trust with us. These days, everything I want from him I'm getting from you."
"Everything?"
She ignored the question. "With Amad, sometimes I feel so second to everything and everyone."
"What did he say?"
"He got angry. And in the end he said that he never wants to see me again."
"He didn't meant it. That's just the anger talking. It sounds like you still love him though."
"I do. I don't think I realized how much until the other day."
"What happened?"
"Willow and I had a fight."
"What? Everything ok?"
"It will be. We haven't talked since then and I feel strange about that. She was right though. She said that I've been spending so much time focusing on what Amad was doing to me and playing the victim. The more I thought about how unfair I felt he was, the more he would do. She said I wanted to be able to say 'look what he did to me' and now owning my part of the drama."
"We broke up."
"Figured that. What happened?"
"I was as honest with him as I could be about everything. Not just about us, our probelms started long before us. I told him I wasn't ready to get married. That even if I was, I don't think it would be to him. There's just no real trust with us. These days, everything I want from him I'm getting from you."
"Everything?"
She ignored the question. "With Amad, sometimes I feel so second to everything and everyone."
"What did he say?"
"He got angry. And in the end he said that he never wants to see me again."
"He didn't meant it. That's just the anger talking. It sounds like you still love him though."
"I do. I don't think I realized how much until the other day."
"What happened?"
"Willow and I had a fight."
"What? Everything ok?"
"It will be. We haven't talked since then and I feel strange about that. She was right though. She said that I've been spending so much time focusing on what Amad was doing to me and playing the victim. The more I thought about how unfair I felt he was, the more he would do. She said I wanted to be able to say 'look what he did to me' and now owning my part of the drama."
Thursday, February 23, 2012
THE NIKEL chapter 24
Life and Saundra were having drinks on the floor in front of the fireplace. "Something's going on with you and before we go on an eight day cruise together, I wanna get it cleared up, or I'm staying here." Life knew it was time to come clean about everything. "Is is somebody else?"
He knew she would ask that. "No."
"But...?"
"Ok, well, there is no way to say this straight without looking like a jerk or hurting anyone. Saundra, I really love you."
"Then answer my question."
"I will answer your question, I just need you to let me say what I have to say at my own pace, baby. Please?"
"Go ahead."
"Well, you are the woman that I love. I've just had a lot of on my mind lately and I know I'm not the best at talking things out and sometimes I just don't wanna worry you." Life rambled on long enough and he must have read that on her face. "I have met someone. It's not what you think. I'm just able to talk to her. Not that I can't talk to you. I think it's just easy because I'm not as close to her as I am to you. I'm not as close to anyone as I am to you. You know, as a performer people always have these misconceptions about me that I just pull people into me and make friends easily and that I'm really confident. I'm not. You know me. You know I'm not. I'm just telling you that because I don't want you to think that I'm just all out there like that. I'm not. I just needed someone I could talk to like that and that's what we have."
"Do you love her?"
"Not like that. I mean, I love her like who she is but I don't think I'm in love with her?"
"You don't think so, Life? Then who should I ask? Should I call her and ask her if you love her? Huh?"
"It's not so much love as it is what she represents in my life right now."
"Which is what?"
"Just someone helping me get to the next level. Someone I can talk to. I know that this isn't the easiest thing for you to hear...but I can't lie to you. None of this takes away from what I feel for you. I'm so confused. I want you to know that this isn't about her. It's just, I'm not so overly careful about her...feelings. Because she's not my woman I feel free to just...talk. I need to get back on whatever path I'm supposed to be on. Saundra, I know how soap opera crazy all of this sounds to you, but I was just walking around with all of this and it's too heavy now. I do love you." He leaned in to kiss her but she backed away crying.
"I love you too. But you know what? I love me more. And you're right; whatever baggage you're walking around with is your baggage. Not mine. And I dont deserve the way you've been treating me. I can't believe you. I was walking around feeling all guilty like I had done something or that I wasn't supportive enough. I thought you were stressing because of your family and the label. I feel like a fool now, knowing that you've been cheating. I knew. I just didn't want to see it."
"This isn't about sex...I..."
"There are many kinds of intimacy and many forms of cheating. What we share is more than sex. There are certain areas of my life that I reserve for you. You. The fact that you felt that you had to sneak and give what was ours to someone else meant that you knew you were cheating."
"It's not like that, baby..."
"Stop! If you're going to stop lying to me, then stop lying to yourself first. I know that this isn't just about her. But excuse me for harping on it. It's the first time we've talked about her. However long it's been going on, you've had that long until now to deal with it." She paused and began to cry again. He took her hand for a moment then pulled it away. "At first I thought it was some kind of phase you were going through and I would hang in there to show you how good I could be for you. You think I don't know what your friends think about me? That I'm some gold digger only after you because of who you are. But you know what? They're right. I did see gold in you and I was after that. But good in you, Life. You. Having nothing to do with what you have. You know, I would love to see us work out, and who knows, maybe when you get Life straightened out, we can do this. But there is no guarentte that I'll be here. Goodbye, Life." She got up and walked out.
She didnt know where she was going when she left, she just knew she had to get out of there. In a hurry! Now she was feeling worse about not telling him. That was the perfect oportunity and she blew it again. It was just too much to hear him say that he met someone he could talk to. That hurt. It would have been easier to hear that it didn't mean any thing and it was just sex. No it would't have.
The next morning she surprised Life and herself and showed up at the port in Long Beach. She didn't really know what she was doing there. She was angry with him, with herself. She needed to be able to talk to him. She didnt want to talk but she needed to be able to. Eight days without being able to do that would have been bad for both of them. She showed up. Bag in hand.
"Is that all you have?"
"I'm here ok."
"Where did you stay last night?"
She just looked at him.
"I was just worried that's all. Look, I'm glad you're here. I know you're upset and you have every right to be, but can we get through this without you punishing me the whole trip? This is still business for me and it's hard enough already."
"I'm cool, Alfred. Let's just do this."
He knew she would ask that. "No."
"But...?"
"Ok, well, there is no way to say this straight without looking like a jerk or hurting anyone. Saundra, I really love you."
"Then answer my question."
"I will answer your question, I just need you to let me say what I have to say at my own pace, baby. Please?"
"Go ahead."
"Well, you are the woman that I love. I've just had a lot of on my mind lately and I know I'm not the best at talking things out and sometimes I just don't wanna worry you." Life rambled on long enough and he must have read that on her face. "I have met someone. It's not what you think. I'm just able to talk to her. Not that I can't talk to you. I think it's just easy because I'm not as close to her as I am to you. I'm not as close to anyone as I am to you. You know, as a performer people always have these misconceptions about me that I just pull people into me and make friends easily and that I'm really confident. I'm not. You know me. You know I'm not. I'm just telling you that because I don't want you to think that I'm just all out there like that. I'm not. I just needed someone I could talk to like that and that's what we have."
"Do you love her?"
"Not like that. I mean, I love her like who she is but I don't think I'm in love with her?"
"You don't think so, Life? Then who should I ask? Should I call her and ask her if you love her? Huh?"
"It's not so much love as it is what she represents in my life right now."
"Which is what?"
"Just someone helping me get to the next level. Someone I can talk to. I know that this isn't the easiest thing for you to hear...but I can't lie to you. None of this takes away from what I feel for you. I'm so confused. I want you to know that this isn't about her. It's just, I'm not so overly careful about her...feelings. Because she's not my woman I feel free to just...talk. I need to get back on whatever path I'm supposed to be on. Saundra, I know how soap opera crazy all of this sounds to you, but I was just walking around with all of this and it's too heavy now. I do love you." He leaned in to kiss her but she backed away crying.
"I love you too. But you know what? I love me more. And you're right; whatever baggage you're walking around with is your baggage. Not mine. And I dont deserve the way you've been treating me. I can't believe you. I was walking around feeling all guilty like I had done something or that I wasn't supportive enough. I thought you were stressing because of your family and the label. I feel like a fool now, knowing that you've been cheating. I knew. I just didn't want to see it."
"This isn't about sex...I..."
"There are many kinds of intimacy and many forms of cheating. What we share is more than sex. There are certain areas of my life that I reserve for you. You. The fact that you felt that you had to sneak and give what was ours to someone else meant that you knew you were cheating."
"It's not like that, baby..."
"Stop! If you're going to stop lying to me, then stop lying to yourself first. I know that this isn't just about her. But excuse me for harping on it. It's the first time we've talked about her. However long it's been going on, you've had that long until now to deal with it." She paused and began to cry again. He took her hand for a moment then pulled it away. "At first I thought it was some kind of phase you were going through and I would hang in there to show you how good I could be for you. You think I don't know what your friends think about me? That I'm some gold digger only after you because of who you are. But you know what? They're right. I did see gold in you and I was after that. But good in you, Life. You. Having nothing to do with what you have. You know, I would love to see us work out, and who knows, maybe when you get Life straightened out, we can do this. But there is no guarentte that I'll be here. Goodbye, Life." She got up and walked out.
She didnt know where she was going when she left, she just knew she had to get out of there. In a hurry! Now she was feeling worse about not telling him. That was the perfect oportunity and she blew it again. It was just too much to hear him say that he met someone he could talk to. That hurt. It would have been easier to hear that it didn't mean any thing and it was just sex. No it would't have.
The next morning she surprised Life and herself and showed up at the port in Long Beach. She didn't really know what she was doing there. She was angry with him, with herself. She needed to be able to talk to him. She didnt want to talk but she needed to be able to. Eight days without being able to do that would have been bad for both of them. She showed up. Bag in hand.
"Is that all you have?"
"I'm here ok."
"Where did you stay last night?"
She just looked at him.
"I was just worried that's all. Look, I'm glad you're here. I know you're upset and you have every right to be, but can we get through this without you punishing me the whole trip? This is still business for me and it's hard enough already."
"I'm cool, Alfred. Let's just do this."
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Hold on
I never noticed before how many people
Walk the streets alone at night
How scary they all look
Like this brotha here
Yellin' cursin' kicki n' himself
Is that blood
Where are they going
Her with no clothes sweatin' so hard
Sista marchin' the midnight knife in her hand
No on ever said life was all bliss
What could have led her to this
Why won't they just go home
So I can rest in peace
I met a thirteen year old girl on the street
Renting her body so she could eat
A part of me is ashamed to say
If I were only half the woman as she
I might do the same
Did you know that Denny's stays open
24 hours to everyone
Except those who have been evicted
Have no where to sleep
Can't even affort to buy tea
I never noticed before how long and dark
The night is
Can't even see the steering wheel
Front of my face
Someone tried to break into my ride
Now my back door will not lock
What did he want
Toothbrush I keep in the glove compartment
Blankets in the backseat
Dirty clothes in my trunk
I'll never know
I'll only close one eye
Sleep with my key under my thigh
No one will be tempted to
Drive off with my stuff
Did you know that Kinko's stays open
24 hours to everyone
Except to those who have no flyers to make
They have nothing to say
No where to lay
I think about the very low parts of the lives of
People with fame and wonder
One day when everyone knows my name
If I'll be courageous enough to
Tell them all of this
The world should never know
There have been times
I couldn't afford to eat
Had no where to sleep
My insides are so congested I keep
Attracting the madness that I am in
Had even justified sucide
The world will never know that I skated so thin
A dear friend of mine told me years ago when
My head was too hard to hear
When times appear the worst of all
To be of good cheer because
The lesson is near
But where
Come lesson let me learn you quick
So that I can move on from this mess
I never noticed before how many restrictions
There are to park on so many streets
I'll have to find somewhere soon
If I stop to get gas
I'll have nothing to eat
And where is the moon
Why do they call this a thrift store
When a demin jacket costs 24
Dollars are so few
This night is so cold
My sanity won't last long
These tears will only give me a headache
Put me to sleep
In my dreams I'll remember when
I was beautiful
I could stand tall and hold my head real high
But then that dream will turn to nightmare
Because I won't remember
When where why it all went wrong
Is this all a part of some great plan
I guess even Jesus cried too
How to I get back on my feet
When I pray does God hear me
I park the car
Reflect upon
Pieces of my life this puzzle
Somehow I will jigsaw my way through this maze
Now in the back of my mind
My Big Mama is singing
Amazing Grace will always be
My song of praise
I understand
If His eye is on the sparrow
He got to know me as well
I once was lost now I'm found
Was blind now I see
Now I'm lost again don't know
Where I'm supposed to be
I want this part of me to be that piece
I look back upon
Tell a crowd of youngsters at me feet
Hold on
When life appears
Most bleak
It will get better again
I remember when
Walk the streets alone at night
How scary they all look
Like this brotha here
Yellin' cursin' kicki n' himself
Is that blood
Where are they going
Her with no clothes sweatin' so hard
Sista marchin' the midnight knife in her hand
No on ever said life was all bliss
What could have led her to this
Why won't they just go home
So I can rest in peace
I met a thirteen year old girl on the street
Renting her body so she could eat
A part of me is ashamed to say
If I were only half the woman as she
I might do the same
Did you know that Denny's stays open
24 hours to everyone
Except those who have been evicted
Have no where to sleep
Can't even affort to buy tea
I never noticed before how long and dark
The night is
Can't even see the steering wheel
Front of my face
Someone tried to break into my ride
Now my back door will not lock
What did he want
Toothbrush I keep in the glove compartment
Blankets in the backseat
Dirty clothes in my trunk
I'll never know
I'll only close one eye
Sleep with my key under my thigh
No one will be tempted to
Drive off with my stuff
Did you know that Kinko's stays open
24 hours to everyone
Except to those who have no flyers to make
They have nothing to say
No where to lay
I think about the very low parts of the lives of
People with fame and wonder
One day when everyone knows my name
If I'll be courageous enough to
Tell them all of this
The world should never know
There have been times
I couldn't afford to eat
Had no where to sleep
My insides are so congested I keep
Attracting the madness that I am in
Had even justified sucide
The world will never know that I skated so thin
A dear friend of mine told me years ago when
My head was too hard to hear
When times appear the worst of all
To be of good cheer because
The lesson is near
But where
Come lesson let me learn you quick
So that I can move on from this mess
I never noticed before how many restrictions
There are to park on so many streets
I'll have to find somewhere soon
If I stop to get gas
I'll have nothing to eat
And where is the moon
Why do they call this a thrift store
When a demin jacket costs 24
Dollars are so few
This night is so cold
My sanity won't last long
These tears will only give me a headache
Put me to sleep
In my dreams I'll remember when
I was beautiful
I could stand tall and hold my head real high
But then that dream will turn to nightmare
Because I won't remember
When where why it all went wrong
Is this all a part of some great plan
I guess even Jesus cried too
How to I get back on my feet
When I pray does God hear me
I park the car
Reflect upon
Pieces of my life this puzzle
Somehow I will jigsaw my way through this maze
Now in the back of my mind
My Big Mama is singing
Amazing Grace will always be
My song of praise
I understand
If His eye is on the sparrow
He got to know me as well
I once was lost now I'm found
Was blind now I see
Now I'm lost again don't know
Where I'm supposed to be
I want this part of me to be that piece
I look back upon
Tell a crowd of youngsters at me feet
Hold on
When life appears
Most bleak
It will get better again
I remember when
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